I was going to start up my own blog, although I came to the rapid conclusion
that I wouldn't exactly keep ontop of it.  So I'll just post here, and let it
get lost in the myriad of other posts.  I don't normally do these sorts of
things, so bear with me.  I am not going to put names here, just descriptions
of people via title -- I want to anonymise this as best I can, places and
events notwithstanding, of course.

I'm now at my Mum's house, in Dorset.  On the 18th of December, I was in
Oxfordshire, along with my sister visiting my father and his fiancee.  I
wasn't looking forward to it as much as I normally would -- my SA has been
really rather bad of late, and events such as Christmas always tend to augment
it, and understandably so.  But anyway, we arrived (my sister and I), and
started our holiday.  The first break for me in a long while.

Now my father knows that I have been feeling a bit low, and have trouble
socialising.  I thought that having cleared the air a long time prior to
Christmas, it would at least make me feel better -- and not as awkward.  I was
wrong.  There were a fews days lead-up to Christmas, which in a way I was
looking forward to.  My father had lots of things to do, and so all of us
wandered around Newbury and such.   That was OK, although it was too busy for
me.  I didn't have a panic attack or anything, but I certainly didn't feel
very well.  My father's fiancee asked me if I was OK -- I looked ashen,
apparently.  Hmm.  I was OK.  It was nice of her to be concerned, my father
didn't say anything -- he never asked how I was.  Hmm.

As the days progressed toward Christmas Eve, my father was being his usual
arsehole self -- drinking too much.  He started at 12:30 usually -- sometimes
later.  I know that it's the "season to be jolly" and what have you, but in my
mind, there are limits.  He was seemingly...  not cold toward me, just very
intolerant.  My father delights in putting me down continually -- I just have
to ask a question, and I get leaped upon.  He's either sarcastic in answering
his question (which get a small laugh from the others -- not out of the
implication it has on me, but rather what is said).  Jokingly or otherwise, I
don't find it funny, of course.  So I smile politely, and then I realise I'm
starting to feel depressed.

On this same day, we came to put the decorations out.  I thought this would be
fun.  Again, the alcohol ensues.  Sigh.  He is an arsehole when he's merry --
his mood can go in one of two ways.  It's either very sentimental and loving,
or it's one of grouchiness.  My sister (she's 19) drinks, and so they get on
well, and of course, his fiancee and he do, so that's OK.  I myself do not
drink.  I think he has a lot of trouble understanding _why_.  I know I don't
live up to his expectations; I am not "one of the lads" as it were -- is that
any sodding surprise I am not, given that all I have had from my father is put
downs? Anyway, we're putting the decorations out, and as usual with my
father, everything has to have a set order.  It's like a military operation.
There's no fun in such things -- everything has to be right.  In my mind,
putting out the decorations is supposed to be fun.  I was putting tinsel on
the tree, and I was told by him that it was crap, and that I should do it
properly.  Properly? How the fuck are you supposed to put tinsel on a tree,
then? Great.  I was nervous all evening before then -- I felt really low at
that point, so I just sat down.  My dad's fiancee said that he gets stressed
over such things and not to take it so personally.  Yeah, right.  Putting
decorations out is stressful is it? Sigh.

That's just one example -- and I shan't bore you with others.  Suffice it to
say there's obviously something I have or haven't done to annoy him in some
way.  I am inclined to think that the issue revolves around me not drinking.
I think he sees that as a social hinderance, rather than a difference, and
preference.  He doesn't know me, and has made no attempt to know me.  I think
he found it hard to strike a balance as well, between mu sister and I.  My
sister is in the navy, and so the chance we get to see her could become harder
in the future, so I can understand why he would perhaps want to chat to her
more, but he had made no attempt at asking me how I was feeling, or what I was
up to, how University is going, etc.  That kind of hurt me.  So I don't know
what it is he wants.

On Christmas Eve, somehow we all ended up walking to a nearby pub, about a
mile away.  God knows why I went -- I'd have been happier indoors, but not to
go would have been seen as being rude by him, and I know it would have annoyed
him -- he was drunk enough before we left for the pub, and that doesn't help
matters.  It was busy too.  I was very nervous and self-conscious at this
point, although I have to say that on the way there, he did ask me how I was
feeling.  I told him the truth and that I wasn't looking forward to it, but he
seemed to think it would be a good idea.  Perhaps, so I reluctantly agreed.
Hmm.  I managed to spill my orange juice a little, and the time we were there
seemed like forever.  We never spoke -- well, I didn't, he seemed more
interested in talking to my sister.  We eventually left, and I felt very
relieved -- it's an experience I am not prepared to repeat anytime soon.  I
am not ready for that much socialising.

So I don't know really -- the thing is, my father has done just enough so that
if I ever did mention to him that he's a drunk (let's face it, he seems to be)
and that he's putting me down, he can come back and say all sorts of things --
it's clever in a way -- this "treatment" from him is psychological, and is now
self-perpetuating, as I am now still chewing it over in my mind, and
consequently blaming myself, which is irrational, but I can't help it.  It has
been like this for a few years now.  I suspect he is jealous of me.  He never
went to University, but obtained a Masters qualification via day release.  I
am the exact polar-opposite of the person he would like me to be -- i.e.  a
typical jack-the-lad, a little bit quirky, who likes to drink.  That's most
likely it.  But I am _me_ -- and rather than putting me down, he ought to try
and get to know me, but he seems like he won't.  Sigh.

-- Thomas.